Over the past day, there has been a Huffington Post article about a Mom who gave her teenage son a cell phone for Christmas, along with a very wordy 18 point contract, and it has been all over the inter wares. I have seen it posted multiple times on social network sites.
If you haven’t seen it already, you can read the article here.
Maybe the contract was supposed to be light-hearted and fun? I don’t know. Giving your child a cell phone is certainly not a light-hearted decision. It’s a very serious parenting decision. And every family must make those decisions for themselves.
Let me tell you this-I am the parent of a teenager and a tween. They both got cell phones around age 12. They, too, were given phones as Christmas gifts. And with both children, we have talked and still talk about how the cell phones are to be used. We have discussed cell phone use, respect and behavior. We talk and have talked about it. Numerous times. Our daughter is 16 now and has had a phone for 4 years. Our son just got his iPhone for Christmas.
So back to the article in Huff Post…
I read the iPhone contract. I re-read the contract. All 18 points of it.
I didn’t like it.
I didn’t think it was awesome.
Let me tell you why:
I would never ‘give’ my children a contract with a gift. For one thing, a gift is a gift. It shouldn’t be saddled with terms and conditions. If you have to give a gift with terms & conditions, then maybe it shouldn’t be a gift…it should just be a purchase. You wouldn’t do that to an adult, so why would you do it to a child?
We don’t parent with contracts in this house. We parent with love and respect, supervision and an on-going dialogue about the things that matter. And when it comes to ‘touchy’ subjects like cell phones, social media and curfews….we have meaningful discussions about what the expectations regarding behaviour are. We have numerous meaningful discussions…all the time. And when we have to, we make a rule or change a rule.
Contracts are a business tool…that is their purpose and that is what they were designed for. They are full of legal-ease and wordy phrases. Contracts have their place in the business world. I don’t understand the necessity of using a business tool with children .I am not sure you are giving your child respect when you place a contract on them. Would you want your husband/wife to place a contract on you? Not me. No thank you. And what about when things come up that you didn’t think of, and you have to re-evaluate? I would not want to be saddled with having to re-write or add clauses and sub-sections to a contract for my children. I mean really. Why don’t just good old-fashioned words and rules work? {And I am not talking about the child who has behavioral issues and has broken the rules numerous times and might then need a ‘contract’ that has been recommended by a mental health professional as part of their treatment. I am talking about normal, get-into-trouble-once in a while children.}
I had both my kids read the contract. Then we had a discussion about the ‘contract’. We agreed that we have many of the same rules and expectations as specified in the contract…but we don’t deliver the information as a ‘contract’. We deliver it in everyday parenting and family discussions and reminders and family values. My son just got his phone and it’s all new to him. I check and monitor his phone every day. If I should see something that concerns me, then I will be sure to discuss it with him…right then and there! I don’t need to whip out a contract and refer to it. I will use my brain! And I will ask my children to use their brain and think about their choices.
Also, why not make cell phone rules simple? Simple and easy to understand. You can tell your kids the same information as the ‘contract’ in about 2 minutes and 5 simple rules. And as parents, if you have laid the groundwork, most of these things are things they would already know.
1. Be kind to people on your phone just like you would in person. Manners matter.
2. No naked pictures. Ever.
3. Ask Mom & Dad anything. Reply to Mom & Dad immediately.
4. Leave your GPS location finder on.
5. You break~then you buy. Or go without.
For the rest of the issues, you supervise your child….exactly like you would normally…on a daily basis. You don’t need a wordy 18 points to describe this. They don’t respond to a text from Mom…you take the phone away…simple. They have brains. They catch on quickly! {My daughter has had her phone taken away before and can have it taken away again at any point. Both children know this!} Having a cell phone is a privilege and not a right!
Ty has 262 pictures on his cell phone already. And honestly, I LOVE every single one of them.. They make me burst out laughing. Why? Because he is having fun and each picture shows his fun-loving personality and his sense of humour. Here is one picture I found. Silly boy. As for taking too many pictures and videos as part of the contract, well, I am a scrapbooker and have been for years. Just try to tell a scrapbooker that one can take too many pictures….just try it!
Also, our children have cell phones as a matter of safety. We live in a big city of a million people. When my daughter was in Grade 7, she was more than 30 minutes late getting home from school one day. I drove to the bus stop. I drove around our neighbourhood. I couldn’t find her. I called my husband sobbing….it was the worst feeling in the world. I came home and called the school…only to find out that she was still on the school bus…that was broken down on the side of the road. The school was sending another bus to retrieve the children and deliver them home. It was shortly after that when Christmas came that we gave her a cell phone. If she had had a cell phone, she could have texted or phoned me to let me know that the bus was broken down. So yes, our children will be taking their cell phones to school every day.
I have had to deal with some very serious issues regarding cell phone use…..but not with my own children….other people’s children. My daughter had a very humiliating experience happen to her in the cafeteria at school. After much discussion, and we decided that it was an issue that the school needed to be made aware of, I went to have meetings at school with officials. While we were looking at the incident on the school”s security cameras, lo and behold, there we see a teenage boy recording the whole incident on his cell phone. We were shocked. Thankfully, the video didn’t go anywhere, but still…..what is wrong with people? {And that boy who filmed….he doesn’t need a contract…he needs education, parenting and a good swift kick in the butt…in my opinion!} There are so many things wrong with what happened at school….the invasion of privacy, the being filmed without prior knowledge., etc. It could happen to any one of us…and it does. We see cell phones being used every day to record good things and not so good things…and lots of those videos end up on Youtube, or the local news. It is an issue that we all have to talk about with our children….all the time! I tell my kids to do good things with their cell phones…capture memories and laughter. Don’t hurt people.
I question the value of having a contract with children for cell phones, when many, many adults don’t model the things they preach. Parents should absolutely be modeling the desired behaviors regarding cell phone use, yet I see numerous parents texting while driving, texting and ignoring their kids, talking about private things in public places on cell phones, using their phone excessively, texting while out with their families in restaurants, texting and browsing at movies. etc. I think that we, as a society, have a problem with technology and over-use and over-sharing. Maybe we should use contracts, but maybe we should have parents sign them as well? Maybe they should be ‘family contracts’ ? What’s that old saying…what is good for the goose is good for the gander? Maybe parents should be promptly turning in their cell phones at 7:30 pm and spending time with their families….”seeing the world happening around them”.
I do agree, philosophically, with lots of what was said in the iPhone contract. But maybe it could have been called, “Mom’s Little Book of Life Lessons” or “How I Want You to Grow Up”. That would seem more appropriate than calling it a cell phone contract.
And that, my friends, are my thoughts on this one.
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I agree – and it makes me want to review the expectations with my boys before winter break ends.
Amen! Children don't need contracts, they need love and respect and a firm guiding hand. My children are still too young for cell phones, but one does have an IPod touch and one a Kindle Fire. The 6 yr old has the Fire, and it was given with love and parental control features. He is too young for unsupervised Internet usage, mostly due to creative spelling…lol! But my 8 1/2 yr old received the Touch for Christmas from Grandma. We are still learning how to use it, together. She loves taking photos and listening to music and playing games. We have yet to explore the texting and email possibilities. But she knows that will be done with one of her parents, not on her own. She knows that it is not necessary to play on it at all times. I did not have to spell it out in a contract, one look reminded her that she finds it annoying to talk to someone who is on a device at the same time. It has yet to be a problem. I don't anticipate the cell phone being one, other kids usage I do. I am so sorry about your daughter's incident. I can't imagine what kids feel at knowing that their every move could be being documented by another person via cell…I did many dumb things as a kid, I shudder at the thought!
I wholeheartedly agree!!
Such wise words! I too saw the contract but agree with you that a gift should be a gift. In our home we tell our children (teens) that having a cell phone is a privilege, it is a tool not a toy and with it comes certain responsibilities not rights. That we expect them to respond to us….because that is why we got them phones in the first place. Those phones are to be used for good not for malicious acts, that everything they post on the internet is there for good, that those phones get turned off at night and "checked" in.
I think the key is constant dialogue, not just the phones but with their use of various social media outlets…it is a different world and we are diving into uncharted territory making adjustments to expectations and rules as we go along!
When I read the title of this post, I wasn't sure I was going to agree with you. Turns out, I feel pretty much exactly the same. I agree with most of the ideas contained in it but got hung up on the language. I think it was much more complicated and wordy than it needed to be. My stepkids got cellphones from their mom when they were 12 and 10 – young, in my opinion. Our general rule for cell phones (and most other technology) is if you won't wear it on a t-shirt, don't have it on your phone, facebook, etc.
When a contract is done right, it's really just a receipt to show what everyone agreed on in previous conversations. This is how this mother used it. It was a baseline for further discussion and a series of agreements they would work out together as the child grows and situations arise. I think it's a fantastic way to build communication with a child and teach responsibility in a way that the child is supported.
When we only "model" behavior sometimes we send the message that the subject is a taboo topic to discuss, or not important to discuss. A "contract" lets the child know that the issue is serious, that he's being treated in an adult-like manner (i.e. he's responsible), and that there is a starting point for discussion (contracts can be re-negotiated). That the mother thought this through on the front end is the true valuable gift, in my opinion.
Your idea of parents turning in their phones at 7:30 to spend time with the family is a brilliant idea! Talk about great modeling.
Argh, my tone sounded really stiff. I didn't mean that. To clarify, I think the contract is okay! It's just a place to refer to and remind about what everyone has agreed on.
I didn't get to read the contract, but I love your take on it. So enjoyed reading your post!
I read it and thought it was funny but I do see your point about calling it a "contract".
I thought the point about don't take to many pictures was idiotic!!!! Seriously, don't they know that some peoples life passion is to take pictures? Photography is a way of expressing yourself and saving memories (I sure has heck don't remember lots of things already about my toddler aged children…thank God I took lots of pictures.)
I admit, I would like to stick my head in the sand on this issue. But I won't be able to. My 10-year-old says he has friends with cell phones. I agree with you that parents should model appropriate cell phone behaviour. I'm a bit old-fashioned I think. I mostly use my phone for photos. I don't think they should be used in company for texting.
Great post Angie! I am a frequent reader of your blog and our children are similar ages – my oldest just turned 16 and my youngest just turned 13. They both received new cell phones as Christmas gifts. I agree completely with your perspective on gifts and with the cell phones, to me the "rules" around them were already understood by the time the boys got these new ones. Our boys got their first cell phones for safety reasons (my husband and I both work and they walk home from school on their own) and those were just purchased and provided to them with lots of discussion. The boys both know my husband and I well enough to know they will lose their phone and privileges if they make a mistake. And they might and we will all discuss it and learn from it.
You can set restrictions on phones such as not allowing changes in location services, turning safari on or off and using a family friendly browser (AVG), etc. Using the restrictions capabilities puts me at ease.
I agree with you, in part. I would tend to parent more like you, and less like the contract mom.
However, you seem pretty critical of this mom. She has many of the same ideas as you, she's just presenting them to her kids differently, which could have to do with personality differences, etc…there are so many reasons why she could be doing this and why it works for her family.
Your post seems in the spirit of the tired old fight between sahm & working moms, and honestly, that spirit wearies me.
Let's support each other as parents with a humble spirit that makes others feel like learning from us, not hiding from us.
Thanks for your post. I really enjoyed reading your different perspective. I don't have kids yet, but it definitely gave me something to think about.
You have made me re-think a lot of my own rules and decisions regarding my sons (age 12) cell phone he received as a "gift for Christmas this year! Thank you!
What happen to the good old days when you would call someone ahead of time from home, and confirm a place and meeting time. Does that still happen? iPhones are neat little devices, but before you even reach your contract end date, the kids will have already moved on to the next latest and greatest gadget.
You said you would post the contract for us to see but I didn't see it. Also I don't think cell phones should ever be given as christmas gifts, birthday or any kind of gift. If your child can't follow rules with phones they need to be taken away. Also I think all parents should monitor their childs cell phone usage. You can track your child on GPS now and see anything they text, send or look at. Being a former wild teen if you think you can trust your teen to not do something dumb with their phone you are sadly mistaken. Also I don't think a 12 year older (or younger) should have a cell phone.
I gave my daughter my old used iPhone. It was a hand me down for her to test out. She's had it a year. She is now 13. I don;t have a contract with her and I just connected it to a full service so she can reach me if she needs to. She could have used that earlier but DH and I disagreed on that and so we compromised. I don't have a contract with her – she knows if she loses it she will go without. (She lost once last year when it was just used for playing music. Luckily she left it at her aunt's house.) She did without for two weeks that time because she couldn;t get it back fast enough. She showed me responsibility after that by really keeping it handily and charging it regularly and generally using it for things that helped her (music at school is allowed if it helps her shut out other noises) so anyways I agree with you. I don;t think kids need contracts. We talk about this stuff daily. Also no nude anything and I am on her regularly to share her passwords and let me know how she has been using it. She is thrilled to have an actual phone number now and little does she know BUT if she continues to be responsible I will upgrade it to a better phone maybe at Xmas. It's important to be connected and phones are another tool to help her be connected to us – her parents.
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