The week my daughter turned 16, we went to Chapters together one morning to browse. She came and asked me if she could read, “50 Shades of Grey”. I said yes. She picked it off the shelf, paid for it with her own money and went home and read it the very same afternoon. Done. Deal.
First of all. Let me just say that it was very polite and respectful of her to ask me. She could have easily read it, without my knowing, in her room at night when I was asleep and I wouldn’t have been any wiser. And just like it was respectful of her to ask, it was equally respectful of me as her mother to say yes. And not be judgemental or throw a fit. Or protest. Or say no. Or some other ridiculous show of behavior. And really…is there any ‘letting’ a 16 year old read anything? If they want to read something…they will find a way. Period. And in case you don’t have a teenage girl in your house…I can tell you that hundreds of teenage girls have read this book.
I have always encouraged my kids to read. We are a reading family. Both children have a large bookcase in their rooms drooping with books on every shelf. My daughter read Harry Potter on her own when she was 6 or 7 years old. And numerous other series over the years. So it is not unusual for her to want to read the latest hyped-up series.
So what’s the issue? Well, I never thought there was an issue. 50 Shades of Grey is a 300+ page book of fiction. It’s a trashy read. A raunchy tale of a screwed up relationship. But I have a blogging friend who blogged that she disagreed with my choice. She thought that if she had read that book as a 16 year old that it would have ‘messed her up sexually’. Hmmm.
I mentioned this blog post to my daughter. She was completely offended by this opinion. The first thing she said to me was, “Mom! I know what love looks like! This book is about a screwed up relationship and I have seen just as bad in movies & TV!” {Think CSI, Hunger Games, horror movies that teens love, etc.}
She is absolutely right. She does know what love looks like. The first example she has of a love relationship is the home she has grown up in….a stable, loving family where her father and I have been married for 17 years. We talk, love, argue, yell, hug, cry and laugh…all an example to our children of what a healthy relationship looks like. A 300+ plus page book does not cancel out what you have lived for 16 years. It does not become a model for you in anyway…it just stays as it is….a work of trashy, scandalous fiction that provided entertainment for an afternoon.
However, this topic of conversation did provide an excellent jumping off point or saguay into a more a candid talk with my daughter about dating and relationships in general. We had a great talk about dating, boys, love and relationships. I came away reassured that my 16 year old definitely knows what kind of emotional, physical, and sexual boundaries are okay in a relationship and what are not…something that even adults have a hard time navigating. We talked about hitting, types of abuse, mind games and torture. Not a pretty subject, but one that every parent should approach with a child who is beginning to date. This is important information your teen needs to know to protect themselves from harm. They need to know that there are sick people out there who will want to do things to hurt them and I want my daughter to know that she can say “NO” and not have to submit to anything that doesn’t feel comfortable to her. EVER! And I also realize that I have a very mature 16 year old daughter and while reading this book might have been the right decision for us and it led to a great talk about relationships….it might not be the right decision for another 16 year old who is not dating and not mature enough to handle this very difficult subject.
You also have to know that 16 year old girls are some of the most critical, analytical thinkers out there. Why would I deny my daughter a chance to read a book where she could come away with some very interesting critical analysis of what this work of fiction was about? I loved hearing her insights and perspectives on the 2 main characters and the storyline.
And if you haven’t had coffee and a chat with a couple of 16 year old girls lately….you don’t know what you are missing, because it is seriously one of the funnest things ever. I love hearing them chat and joke and laugh. They make me laugh.
And I can assure you that for my daughter, “50 Shades of Grey” was over for her the minute she
finished the last page.
Edited Septembers 2013. My daughter recently re-organized her room and while she kept her Harry Potter books, Anne of Green Gables series and Little House on the Prairie collection, this book went into the ‘junk to go to Goodwill ‘ pile. She knows good literature when she reads it.
I think it's wonderful that you have the open, honest relationship with your daughter that you have. I love your posts like this one, it's food for thought for this mom of an 8 y/o girl & 6 y/o boy. Have a great weekend!
You know your child, so it's certainly your call. My 20 yr old read it and said she thought it was stupid and that she thought I wouldn't like it. I've not had the urge to read it myself.
Wowza Angie! I'm shocked there's no "OMG, you did what??" comments. Or maybe you deleted those. ; )
I say good for you having such an open relationship with your daughter! It's strange to me how many people are so uptight and try to shield their child from about anything to do with sex, but aren't that way with violence. They're letting their 4 year old watch the new Batman movies, etc and not even batting an eye when someone slits someone's throat. That just seems wrong to me. We are naturally sexual creatures. We're not naturally violent. Violence is learned behavior.
Anyway, I read all three books and actually got bored with the sex parts and skimmed through them. The story is totally Twilight esque, so I enjoyed the cheesy story. lol Just curious, have you read the books? Or did you say that in the post and I missed it?
~ Catie
Good for you! I remember going to the local bookstore to buy one of my daughters V.C. Andrew's "Flowers in the Attic" and having the clerk tell me that I was a horrible mother and I had no business letting her read such a book. I told her that I would decide what my daughter could or couldn't read and if it was so awful why was it in her store. I never bought another book from that store.
I agree that it is wonderful that you have this open, candid and HONEST relationshi with your daughter. I am sure she will be mUCH better off than alot of her peers. I wish to God I had had ANY sexual knowwledge when I got pregnant with our first child. Thanks for this post.
What a great relationship you obviously have with your daughter. I also have read all 3 and got to the point (early on) where I was skiipping the sex scenes as I found psychology of the storyline more interesting. I remember at 16 reading 'Flowers In The Attic' without my parents knowledge. I hope my daughter and son never feel they have to sneak books and can instead show the maturity your daughter did.
i also let/discussed with her when she asked me to borrow and read the series and also used it a jumping point to have a deeper sex/relationship discussion with my daughter and totally agree with your point of view as parents of teenagers we must take whatever oppourtunity we can to teach/discuss what we can with them using whatever means interest them
I haven't read it cuz it's not my thing. Just about everyone else I know has read it, including my daughter's best friend. But I agree with your assessment…and I feel the same way about the example my husband and I have set for our daughter. She is 18 and knows what a real relationship looks like. I think there are probably some teens who wouldn't be mature enough but it sounds like you've got a wonderful, grounded girl there. 🙂
Kelly
Angie, I am a therapist and have worked with a countless number of teenage girls in the past 10 years. I believe you handled the situation very well. Kids are exposed to questionable material in some form every day. It is our job as parents to be informed about the things they are exposed to and discuss with them what is appropriate, healthy, and fits into our value systems and what does not. I'm sure your daughter knows that if she is faced with something that she is uncomfortable with, she can come to you about it. In today's society, we can't censor everything so it is much better to guide them if/when they are exposed to something inappropriate. You are also letting her form her own ideas based on information out there in the world and your own family values. Too many parents aren't preparing their children for the real world and in turn, kids do not have the coping skills or foundation that they need to thrive.
I am often amazed by people who think that if you kept teenagers from watching, seeing, reading or hearing you are protecting them.
I spoke with a woman who told me that she did not want her daughter to have the hpv vacine because that would give her 17 year old daughter the idea that she was free to have sex.
Your daughter is much better off learning about these subjects in a book and discussing how to handle some of the situations brought up in this storyline with you.
More power to you!
I'm totally with you. Teenagers can read what they want when they want so by giving her permission to read it the book lost a lot of its interest and power. I agree that reading one (silly) book will not change how she views love, marriage, sex etc. Well done.
I enjoy your blog very much, so please don't take this as judgement or critism…but, have you read this book? I have, and I can't imagine these images swirling around in my daughter's head at the very impressionable and rather immature age of just barely 16.
I agree with the last comment from Deb. And not to pass judgement as only you can make decisions based on your own daughter's maturity but that being said the books are rated 18 and older for a reason, I've read all 3 and enjoyed them but it is basically porn in written form.
Good for you! As a teenager, I remember my mother ripping an Erica Jong novel from my hands and throwing it into the fire. And it was a library book. Let me just say that had she discussed the book with me or why she didn't think it was appropriate, I probably wouldn't have remembered reading it. Your daughter was respectful by asking you and the discussion it led to is priceless. Well done, mama!
As a mom of two little girls,I have to say that when I first read the title of the post, I thought "What?!". But, after a second I realized that I totally agreed with your decision. I remember as a kid (middle school) reading Judy Blume's book Forever. I don't remember whose book it originally was, but we all read it and passed it around. I loved the love story, but I didn't learn relationship advice from the book. I also believe that your children learn from their home life. My hubby and I have been married for over 25 years. Our children see that we love, laugh, disagree and argue sometimes. They see communication, mutual respect, team work, selflessness and love (I had to say it twice!). Our son is 21 years-old and has a steady, long-time girlfriend. There's no drama with them. No breaking up and getting back together. No cheating on each other. You learn what you live, not what you read. Thanks for making me think about it!
I have not read 50 Shades of Gray and am not planning to.
If my 16-year-old daughter had asked to read it, I probably would have said no. But I don't know for sure. It would have depended on a lot of things. If I did say no, we certainly would have discussed it.
My two kids are both grown & I can tell you that I had to compromise more than I wanted to. You can't be rigid and you can't always say no when you want to. If you had said no, it might have made the book more appealing to her. Having said no and letting her read it, it took away any forbiddenness in reading it. Not saying that was the case – it just sometimes works that way.
One thing I learned from parenting two children was that you never know what you'll do in any given situation & you sure better be careful judging others because you're not in their shoes.
So while I probably would have said no, you have to do what's best for your family.
There are so MANY decisions parents have to make nowadays with regards to what their kids will see, hear and read, I'm thankful my kids are all grown up! It sounds like you handled the situation wonderfully and allowed it to have an open discussion with your daughter – the sign of a terrific parent! Good job!
DD
I think this book is the "Flowers in the Attic" for this generation. I remember reading the entire V.C. Andrews series shamefully in my room at night so my Mom wouldn't see me. I would have loved to have had a conversation with her about them instead of hiding them. I am a Grade 10 teacher and several of my students are reading the 50 Shades books right now. One of them wrote an amazing book review about the harmful effects of an obsessive relationship.
Angie,
I've not read it. It's not the type of book that interests me. Nor is it the type of book I'd encourage my kids to read (granted, I don't think my boys would be interested). That being said, I can't judge you for letting your daughter read it. But I CAN say that I'm glad to hear of the ways you led your daughter through the experience. Sounds like you had some great talks about some very important things. And I completely agree with what you said about the relationship between you and your husband being the model of love for her. It's not easy raising kids. It's not easy knowing what's right and what's wrong; what's helpful and what's harmful. Thanks for sharing your parenting moments. And here's to your terrific mother/daughter relationship! Cheers!
Im pretty sure you just won in the mum department. You have raised her to be open and honest with you. You both treated it like you were buying a history book, no big deal, and so it shouldnt be, you have a 16 year old daughter who will be making adult decisions everyday.
Im 28 and my sister is 19, she read the books after me – and both of us finished them and thought – well thats time ill never get back hahaha.
Now… if my mum suddenly turned around and said she wanted to swap her mills and boon for 50 shades, I might have to crawl into a corner and die of embarrassment. Mainly because she will probably ask me what half of the things are in the book, and i wont be able to stop laughing while I tell her. I might leave that for my sister to discuss with her should the day ever come. So far, so good.
Big thumbs up for letting your daughter make her own decisions in life, and kudos for supporting her while she does it!!
I have the same type of parenting style. My husband and I were estranged but now we're back together. What's funny is that my daughter was upset we got back together because before it was easy to pit us against each other.
I usually don't worry about my daughter because she tells me how she feels (even when she was so sad she felt she needed to be put in the hospital).
I miss the days we were super close, at 14/15 she just wants to be with and talk with her friends. They used to hang out with me and it is a riot to hear girl and guy teenagers these days.
Check out this post about the different hair colors my daughter had in one year:
http://katspurrfectboutique.blogspot.com/2012/08/does-hair-and-makeup-change-who-you-are.html
I agree with the fact that I think that it is important to have open and honest communication with out children. Good job Mom! However I would encourage my daughter to find another word to address the fact that she found the book to be 'silly' or 'stupid'. It starts with us and we should not allow our children to use the word gay in a derogatory manner.
You are such a good Mom. Instead of just shutting the door on subjects with your daughter, you allow her room to grow and find things out for herself, but at the same time you are always there to answer questions and talk. You can tell that your daughter is so open and comfortable with you because of that decision. Much better to have that than a daughter who sneaks around behind your back, just as you said. Good work Angie! 🙂 Your daughter is on the right track.
I like your reasons for why you made this choice. I taught reading in a middle school for several years and had many people who were shocked I would encourage the Twilight craze, but you know what the best thing about those books was? I experienced so many mothers reading alongside their daughters and having conversations that needed to be had about dating and relationships and sex. Maybe it's sad that it takes a trashy novel to get some folks talking, but I bet the talks were worth it.
I just found out last night that my soon to be 17 year old daughter just read the series. She was a little nervous to tell me at first but I found it opened up some great conversation. I agree with you on your decision to let your daughter read the book. Like you said they will find a way to read it anyway.